First printed on June 19, 2022
Up to date 2 hours in the past


Victor Billot

Victor Billot is a author from Dunedin. He’s the creator of the poetry assortment The Units (Otago College Press, 2020) and writes a satirical ode for Newsroom each Sunday.

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The Ballad of Ironball’s Mitchell

Far out west the place the tumbleweeds roll
the scoundrels and vermin roam lawlessly
within the Badlands past Finances Liquor Gulch
and south of the border at Meager Prospects Mall.
Sheriff Poto goes lacking whereas making ready for a yoga retreat
for her Anti-Varmint Crystal Vibration Remedy session.
The moonbeams have aligned to the right frequency
however the cigarettes and the two-dollar jewellery
rustles time and again, night time after night time.
Locals sit round grumbling on the Luxville Honky Tonk Saloon.
“We’d like a tricky judiciary,” says Mayor Luxon.
“Rattling it,” yells Rancher Luxon.
“Preach it brother,” Pastor Luxon yodels.
“You higher write all that within the newspaper, boy.”
says the President of the Luxville Chamber of Commerce, Luxon.
“Most probably!” says Luxon’s editor Luxon Herald.
Simply then, Ironball’s Mitchell slams by way of the doorways.
He smashes his six shooter onto the pole
and requires a bottle of rye.
“Nothing to do,” says bartender Luxon.
“These pests have invaded the highest shelf.”
Ironball’s Mitchell stares off into the space.
“The pests pays,” he growls.
Ironball jumps up and saunters across the city sq..
“Tighten the nooses! Oil the carabiners!”
So it was a troop of twenty courageous younger deputies
handed the saloon saddled up and full of warmth.
Their chief salutes with a tear in his eye.
“Lead forward, Ironballs! We are going to observe you to the gates of hell.”
There may be an uncomfortable silence.
“Oh no, no, no!” Ironballs lastly chuckles.
“Bandit fights are an operational matter
and because the new Head Sheriff, my responsibility stays
right here within the saloon and maintain the fort
and signal press releases in regards to the battle in opposition to crime.
Here is a map of the Badlands, boys!
And do not get mugged in a ravine.”
So it was the Tough Justice posse of MPs
left city on their pack mules at nightfall
even; and the way they made their method
by way of the imply hills behind Luxville
to the camps of closely armed bandits,
They might solely hear the distant sounds
an almighty good hoe getting going
again to the Luxville Saloon.

Victor Billot has beforehand felt compelled to compose odes for such luminaries as Louise Wallace, mike hosking, Clarke Gayford, brian tamaki, and Garrick Tremain.

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